Despite all of their sleazy weapons, despite the abundance of desperate and gullible ladies, guys can’t possibly conquer coochie 24/7, not even in marriage, especially not in marriage. Since coochie isn’t always available, guys must improvise. They need to relieve themselves the only other way they can, by choosing to spank their monkeys, by fiddling with their own meat puppets. They don’t have a choice. Their little generals are headstrong, overbearing, and trigger-happy. When they stand to attention and give the orders to shoot, guys must obey. Such unquestioned obedience leads guys to spank their monkeys in a multitude of places. Anywhere. Everywhere. No place is safe from the wankings of guys, including some places you probably wouldn’t expect.

The next time you notice a guy sitting in a parked SUV, remember this. He may be screwing himself. Now, don’t wig out. Okay, you can wig out a little. Finished? Here’s the deal. Some guys do masturbate in cars. Guys are daredevils. They’re thrill seekers. Some guys seek those thrills by choosing to masturbate in cars.  Car masturbation offers the rush of being caught “white handed,” yet at the same time, provides enough privacy to ensure discretion. Some guys also jack-off in cars because it provides them the queer satisfaction of watching, maybe even nodding or winking at pedestrians (particularly women), all the while, they’re just seconds away from jizzing all over their dashboards. Now just to be clear, not all guys masturbate in cars. In fact, most guys are too lazy too deal with the cleanup (maybe if cars had sinks…). But car wankers are out there. They’re probably the guys you’d least expect.

Guys’ daredevil natures compel the boldest of them to masturbate in dressing rooms at department stores, especially co-ed dressing rooms. Once a guy closes that door behind him, all it takes is for him to realize that all around him, women may be trying on bras, or bikinis, or better yet, lingerie. Bingo. He’s got a big stiffie. And guess what?  That big stiffie needs relief. “Pull me. Pull me,” whines his one-eyed Willie. Most guys possess the will power to not masturbate in dressing rooms. Dressing rooms just aren’t their thing. But some guys do like to masturbate in dressing rooms Ever hear a thud on the wall in the dressing room beside yours?  It could be a guy’s knee bumping the wall as he tries on a pair of corduroys. Or, it could be a guy’s knee bumping the wall while his one-eyed Willie barfs a load, and his mind envisions your melons bouncing up and down as you ride him.

Yep, some guys masturbate in jacuzzis. Hear about that Michigan guy in ‘98 who stuck his frisky eel into a Jacuzzi jet hole? Remember that genius? It took the fire department to help the poor guy out of there. You don’t really think that guy is the only jacuzzi masturbation moron out there, do you? Sure, most of the guys who masturbate in jacuzzis use their hands, not one of the jet holes. But there are some kinky bastards who masturbate in jacuzzis using those jacuzzi holes. Look at it this way. A jet hole isn’t just any hole. It’s a special hole because of all that powerful water that comes out of it. Oh, how guys love special holes. Any time a guy has privacy and a special hole is available, his helmeted soldier will shout out. “Send me in. Send me in. I command you.” Most guys who masturbate in jacuzzis appreciate how small those jet holes are and ignore the pleas of their Mini-Mes. But there’s always that moron who just can’t resist.

Some guys masturbate in swimming pools too. That’s right. That floating goo you sometimes come across while playing Marco Polo isn’t always sun block. Why wouldn’t pervs masturbate in swimming pools? Pools, not to mention lakes and oceans, provide adequate coverage for guy’s little water snakes. They can achieve a rush by stroking their dolphins while oblivious, bikini-clad girlies splish and splash just yards away. They get the satisfaction of knowing that they can make eye contact with the gals, maybe even chat with them, while their Mobys throb with pleasure. And the nearby girlies have no clue.

It’s happened to many a male apartment dweller. It’s two in the morning. J.P. unlocks the laundry room door, steps inside, and closes the door behind him. He notices a laundry basket full of feminine items in need of washing. Unable to resist, he scours the basket for any dirty panties. Bingo. As he examines his silky treasure for coochie stains, his Mr. Happy rises to the occasion. He lifts the dirty panties to his nose and sniffs. Mr. Happy throbs with excitement. At this point, most perverts place the dirty panties back in the laundry basket and go about their washing. But some guys are tempted to masturbate in laundry rooms. Some guys think it’s cool to masturbate in laundry rooms. J.P. is one of those guys. He looks down at Mr. Happy and realizes that he’s wearing sweats. Easy access! No unzipping necessary! Surely, it’s a sign. Surely he is destined to masturbate in a laundry room. He puts his hand down his sweats and yanks. A minute later, he’s ready to erupt. But where can he unload? What can he do? Must he make a mess? Ladies, have you ever picked up your clothes from the laundry room and you’re missing some panties? Chances are you miscounted. Or maybe you left them clinging to the washer walls. Or maybe, just maybe, your dirty panties sacrificed themselves for the sake of mopping up baby batter. Too bad.

Why do some guys masturbate in garages? Well, say what you want about garages–they’re grimy. They’re greasy. They’re dark. They’re dank. But you know what?  They’re also isolated. They provide privacy. Anyplace, ANYPLACE that provides privacy will tempt a guy to unzip and unload. Guys masturbate in garages because they give tons of privacy. And some guys masturbate in garages because they get all hot and bothered by all of the “colorful” posters and calendars tacked to the walls. Do guys masturbate in garages often?  Of course not, especially since they have access to more comfy jerk-off zones like beds and bathtubs. But plenty of guys have greased their monkeys at least once in a garage.

Of course some guys masturbate in strip club bathrooms. How can you not expect a smattering of guys to masturbate in strip club bathrooms, especially after a hearty strip tease and a lap dance?  They gotta do it. We’re talking about strippers. We’re talking about D-cups, long legs, shaven coochies, and not a smidge of cellulite. We’re talking about curvy lap dancers grinding their coochies upon guys’ stiffies. After all that action, some guys have to masturbate in strip club bath rooms. In fact, they deserve a prize for even waiting till they reach the bathroom.

Sure guys masturbate in strip clubs, dressing rooms, garages, cars, office bathrooms, and just about any place with some degree of privacy. But despite all the exotic places available, guys perform just about all of their wanking in the privacy of their own homes. Usually guys simply masturbate in bed. And why not masturbate in bed?  Beds are far more comfortable than dressing room benches. Guys can lie down, relax their heads on their downy pillows, and jerk away, while losing themselves in their cougar fantasies. For guys with their own pads, or at least locks on their doors, nothing beats a bed when seeking a good self-lay. But beds can pose problems when guys are still living with their families. Despite the comfort, the pillow, and the cougar fantasies, guys who live with their mommies and daddies must fret over the ever-lingering possibility of getting caught. A guy finds it hard to masturbate in bed knowing that his mommy might walk in at any moment and see his milkshake eruption. If it’s tough to masturbate in bed, a safer alternative is the bathroom.

Guys like to masturbate in the bathroom at home. Though not as cozy as bedrooms, home bathrooms are a leap up from office restrooms. Home bathrooms are built for one person. When jacking-off, guys don’t have to fret over the stink bombs launched by their chili-eating co-workers on neighboring toilets. In home bathrooms, there are no other toilets. There are no other people. There’s only enough room for one guy, his right hand and his Rumple Foreskin. And do not forget about those locks. A lock is a wonderful thing. Guys can masturbate in the bathroom in peace knowing their little sisters can’t barge in and get their eyes poked out.
And let’s not forget that bathroom sinks are waist high. Know what that means?  It means guys that when guys masturbate in the bathroom, it doesn’t always have to be done while standing over the toilet. Ejaculating into a toilet isn’t always easy. Sometimes that baby batter can shoot out to the oddest places. Ejaculating into a sink makes for an easier time. If a guy is the right height, he can position his dinglehopper right over the sink and spluge right into the drain. Ladies, the next time you drop your toothbrush into the sink, you might want to think about what goes into that sink besides water..

Showers, good ol’ showers. If only those tiled walls could talk. No doubt, they’ve seen more DNA glop than a sperm bank. Guys love to masturbate in the shower. They can’t wait to masturbate in the shower. Showers are tiller made for wacking-off. Look inside any shower stall. What do you see?  Shampoo, a great lubricant. Warm water, a perfect relaxer. Soap, a terrific cleanser for that feisty baby batter residue. Drain, an efficient receptacle for semen disposal. No clean up necessary! Given all of these amenities, can you really blame your brothers and fathers for their half-hour showers?  And can you even blame them for their lengthy showers elsewhere?  Surprise!  It’s true, guys like to masturbate in the shower so much, many of them find themselves christening every shower they ever step into: friends’ showers, cousins’ showers, dorm showers, your showers, and for the really bold, gym showers.

Guys get stressed out at work. Loads of paperwork, irate customers, strict deadlines, gossipy co-workers. How are guys supposed to unwind?  They can wait until they leave work and hope that their wife or girlfriend puts out, or they can tiptoe to the office bathroom, secure a stall and get paid for improving their stroking skills. It’s tough to masturbate in the bathroom at work though. Office bathroom stalls have only one place to sit–the toilet. It’s not exactly a bastion of comfort. And who wants to masturbate and have to worry about germs at the same time?  Then there are those annoying co-workers who always seem to come in at the wrong time and take a crap in the next stall. Who wants to bang themselves while bombarded by a stink bomb?  Still, despite the stench of crap and the piss on the floor, piles of guys do masturbate in the office bathroom.

Here’s a guarantee. Pee Wee Herman is not the only guy in America to have diddled his ding-a-ling in an adult movie theater. Although most adult theater pervs do simply scurry to the restroom, or wait till they get home, or at least wait until they reach their car in order to masturbate, lots of guys just can’t handle the weenie pressure. And the pressure to masturbate in an adult movie theater is colossal. Dark setting. Lots of empty seats between guys. (Guy code: Never sit to close to another dude in an adult movie theater.)  Naked, D-cup hotties spreading their coochies on the big screen. It’s a miracle that prisons aren’t swarming with dudes who masturbate in adult theaters. Pee Wee wasn’t being a criminal. He was being a guy.