Guys are visual connoisseurs of women’s bodies. Just about any body will do. Apart from the figures of eighty year olds, circus fat ladies, and 75 pound anorexics, anyone with two bazongas and a coochie will turn a worm into a woody. Guys love all bazongas because, well, they’re bazongas. Guys love all coochies because, well, they’re coochies. Guys love all badonkadonks because–you get the picture. But guys’ visual centers do favor some types of body parts over others. What do most guys tend to look for? Be sure to read the next post.

Bellies belong on hippos, not on girls. No guy wants to watch his girl perform a strip tease only to expose a big pooch. First of all, having a pooch is just plain nasty. Second, having a pooch is just plain nasty. Third, a belly reminds guys of pregnancy and that’s the last thing they want to be reminded of (unless of course, they’re actually looking to have a child). What pregnancy means is mood swings and thunder thighs. Pregnancy means Lamaze classes and tough, sleepless nights. A flat stomach means grinding and pelvic thrusts. A flat stomach means all-night banging.

Notice too that the key term is “flat stomach,” not “ripped stomach.” Guys do not want to see abs on a girl. A six-pack and a girl—YES. A six-pack on a girl—NO. Guys like their women to look soft and feminine, not muscular and manly. You know how a pooch reminds guys of pregnant chicks? Well, six-packs remind guys of a group far less appealing: other guys. Usually, only guys have ripped abs. The last thing a guy wants to do is hop in the sack with a girl and be reminded of a dude.

Girls, trim your bush. Don’t you know a trimmed bush is a happy bush? Do some gardening down there. Sure, guys are adventurers. Yes, they’re explorers. But jungles aren’t their thing. So weed whack your Amazons. Guys love trimmed pubic hair. And if you really want to impress your guys, wax your bush! All guys love a waxed bush. Untamed pubic hair conceals the prize that guys most seek. So reward them. Be proud of your coochies. Wax your bush and show them off. Guys are real jackasses. They don’t deserve much. But the least you can do is give them a waxed bush.

And you know what? Trimmed pubic hair or a waxed bush is in your best interests. A wooly furburger is like a house with a pit bull guarding it. No one wants to visit. Guys may allow their Johnsons to open the gates and venture inside, but they may not be so neighborly with their tongues. They don’t want to lick their way through a forest of pubic hair in order to reach your coochie. To further complicate matters, too hairy of a furburger does something that a trimmed bush doesn’t do. It collects odor. The more pubic hair, the more odor. The more odor, the less tongue action you can expect. That means fewer orgasms for you. So if you want guys to visit your coochie more often, give them a waxed bush, or at the very least, trimmed pubic hair. You won’t regret it.

Guys make good hosts. They’ll welcome chumbawumbas of all sizes into their love shacks. Whatever their size, boobs are still boobs. The only prerequisite for yomamas is to have them. Guys love breasts, so the absence of tits is not a good thing. Flat chests put a bad taste in guys’ mouths. Flat chests are like amusement parks without the rides. Where’s the fun?  Where’s the adventure?  Even worse, flat chests remind guys of male chests. Not good!

But big Berthas (E cup and larger) aren’t exactly a preference either. Sure, nothing provokes a double take faster than watermelon wookies. Anything bigger than a DD cup will likely cause car wrecks. Big Berthas do frequently make guest appearances in guys’ fantasies. But guys don’t prefer them. You heard Garvey right. If forced to choose their mate based solely on body type, most guys would choose C-cup Cathy over F-cup Felicia any day of the week. Now, no guy’s gonna turn down a girl with FFs. Flesh filets of all sizes are always welcome in guys’ beds.  But titanic tatas are kind of freakish. They’re distractions. They’re great for one-night stands or fantasies, but guys don’t want to wake up to them every morning. So what size do guys prefer?  Simple. Other than a preference against humoungous hooters and completely flat chests, there is no absolute preference. Guys love breasts! Millions of guys love breasts that are big. Millions of guys love breasts that are mid-sized milkers. And millions of guys love breasts that are small specials.

When your guy is banging you doggy style, the last thing he wants to do is spread your ass cheeks and find a swarm of dingleberries entangled in your butt crack forest. Don’t know what dingleberries are? Dingleberries are those pea-sized remnants of toilet paper and/or poop that sometimes tangle up in one’s ass hair. Do your best  to shave or wax in between your ass cheeks, Ladies. Guys like to caress and look at a nice, waxed ass. A waxed ass has no dingleberries. A waxed ass looks sexier, feels smoother, and don’t forget about that close relationship between hair and odor. If your ass houses a jungle, it probably smells like one too. A waxed ass simply smells better. Additionally, a smooth, waxed ass is feminine. It’s what a guy expects to see on a girl. A hairy ass full of dingleberries, like ab muscles, reminds guys of other dudes. Love your guy. Don’t traumatize him. Give him a waxed ass.

Guys love all nipples…well…almost all. Just about all guys are big fans of small nipples. Small nipples are cute little kittens. They whisper, “Come love me.” Small nipples are the petite teens of the world. Guys just want to caress them and sprinkle butterfly kisses on them.

Guys are also happy campers when in the presence of mid-sized nipples. Mid-sized nipples are the hardbodied twenty-somethings of the world. They’ve got spunk. They ooze sexuality, but they’re classy too. They say, “Come kiss me.” Guys just want to lick them, pinch them, adore them, and suck them.

It’s really big nipples that aren’t so universally endorsed. A lot of guys don’t like really big nipples. Don’t worry. Really big nipples DO have their fans, thousands and thousands of them, but they also have a number of critics. Big nipples are the hoochies of the world. They holler, “Come screw me already!” Guys just want to toy with them. They want to twist them and chew on them. But they don’t want to take them home to their mommas. Like humungous hooters, really big nipples are more one-night stand material than marriage material. Even worse, really big nipples remind some guys of baby penises. As far as guys are concerned, three wieners in bed are two too many.

Do guys like small areolas or big areolas? The truth is that all areolas are capable of turning on guys. All areolas will turn their pistols into rifles, but guys do have their size preferences. Most guys prefer mid-sized areolas over really big areolas or small areolas. Big areolas take up too much space. Big areolas are flamboyant co-stars who hog all the attention away from your titties. Mid-sized areolas are ideal co-stars. Unlike big areolas or small areolas, they work hand in hand with your knockers to put on a visual fiesta. They’re humble, yet assertive. Sometimes they steal the show. Sometimes they just want to nap. As for small areolas, they’re more like sidekicks. Small areolas add to the show. Small areolas bring a dash of pizzazz. But they leave audiences feeling a little unsatisfied. They’re too coy. Even worse, tiny areolas can possibly commit that unforgivable crime of reminding guys of other dudes. When it comes down to it though, all areolas will find themselves loved by one guy or another.

Ladies, close your eyes. Picture a female ass. Now imagine it to be a cottage cheese ass. Focus on that cottage cheese ass. Imagine all that cellulite, gobs and gobs of cellulite. Enough said.

No body part captures a guy’s attention quicker than the coochie. It is a woman’s most intimate hot spot, her most vulnerable region, a region that brings about insecurity in many women, shame to some, confusion to others, and pride to very few. Women’s mixed feelings over their vulvas grant the region a legendary aura in the minds of guys. This coochie aura intensifies due to the fact that guys get to glimpse a lot fewer coochies than tits and asses. Coochies are coy. They come out and play only occasionally. Tits and asses are everywhere. Come on now, we’re almost to the point where tit flashing has replaced a handshake. And if you want to see an ass or two, you can just tune into basic cable. Granted, the Internet makes it a lot easier to view coochies. Nonetheless, the vulva is still the least seen female hot spot. It still holds the most mystery, and consequently, the most allure. Guys love to look at vulvas! Don’t believe it?  Sneak into a bachelor party. You’ll see the guys cheer when the stripper takes off her bra. They’ll howl when she takes off her thong. But when she spreads her legs, they’ll do their best to creep closer. They’ll squint their eyes. They’ll forget everyone else in the room. Every cell in their puny brains is frozen in awe of the coochie.

Ironically, despite the tremendous allure of coochies, most guys don’t even find them to be attractive. In fact, many guys think that vulvas are ugly. You ladies have heard it before: when spread, vulvas resemble flowers. Vulvas resemble flowers? Hah! Vulvas resemble a lot of things, but flowers aren’t one of them. Vulvas resemble war wounds more than they resemble flowers. Ask any guy. He’ll tell you that a vulva is ugly (then he’ll ask you to show him yours, just to make sure). Most guys will tell you that vulvas are ugly, that they’re probably the ugliest part of a female’s body, more hideous than the crinkly elbow, more monstrous than the smelly anus. Nevertheless, despite their being ugly, some vulvas are prettier than others. In fact, a few vulvas are actually kind of cute. Guys like to look at vulvas; but some, they’ll actually want to write home about. Some vulvas beg to be photographed, painted, sculpted, courted. These gifted coochies share a common theme–small and smooth inner lips. Guys prefer to not see long, wrinkled inner lips hanging down an inch or two and shouting, “Look at me!  Look at me!”  They want to see small lips that discreetly tuck away and nap when the outer lips are closed.

Garvey has mixed feelings about this new vajazzling trend. The Brazilian wax part of it is terrific. Guys do love Brazilian waxes. Less fish odor. Less ass odor. A softer, smoother, coochie. But sticking a bunch of pretty, little crystals onto a shaven vajayjay? That’s like pasting a bunch of diamonds on a hairless chimp. No matter how many diamonds you paste onto that monkey, it’s still going to be ugly. Garvey has news for you ladies. Getting vajazzled is a bad idea. Getting vajazzled won’t make your pussys beautiful.   The average girl’s vajayjay is so ugly, no amount of crystals is going to  matter. You can glop a jar of cover-up down there and sprinkle your vajayjays with diamonds for all guys care. Guys don’t love pussys because they’re pretty. Guys love pussys because millions of years of evolution put something in their brains that forces them to love a nice, tight snatch. Guys love pussy because they get to screw pussy. Forget about getting vajazzled, ladies. If you really want to make your guys happy, get a Brazilian wax, lose that ass cellulite, and swallow more often.

Do guys like short hair on girls? NO! Short hair is boring. It’s masculine. Some guys like short hair but most hate it; while some tolerate it. Some of you girls might be saying, “What about Halle Barry?  She looks gorgeous with short hair.”  Have you seen Halle Barry?  She’d be gorgeous even without hair. She could have a mullet and guys would still want to bang her. Besides, it’s not that guys like short hair on Halle; it’s just that her tits and face make it easy to forgive her. Even though guys hate short hair, gorgeous girls can get away with it. So unless you look like Halle or Charlize or Jada, keep your hair below your shoulders.

Believe or not, but Hollywood actresses, with their size ones and twos, don’t reflect the body sizes that most attract guys. Do you know what guys think when they see Hollywood actresses in person?  “Get that bony-assed chick a burrito.”  Guys don’t want to see girls’ ribs. They don’t want to poke their eyes out on a woman’s protruding pelvic bones. Guys want to see breasts, not breastbones. Guys want to see bodies with meat. They want to see bodies with curves. Hollywood actresses, Kate Winslet excepted, don’t have curves. They have angles. Oh sure, Hollywood actresses look curvaceous while posed on the covers of Maxim and Cosmo; but pay attention to how they’re posed. There are a number of poses that could make the Olsen twins look voluptuous. And look at what Hollywood actresses wear. There are plenty of undergarments that can provide Gwyneth with boobs and Calista with an ass. And don’t forget, the camera adds five pounds to the body sizes of women. Ask Hollywood actresses to hop into a teensy bikini and stand straight up directly before you, and you won’t see hourglasses. You’ll see beanpoles–hipless, assless, beanpoles…with implants.

So if not for the body sizes of Hollywood actresses, what body sizes do guys look for?  Naturally, guys’ preferences vary. Plenty of guys obsess over the Hollywood actresses just discussed. Others like their women plump. But a majority of guys prefer body sizes between the sizes of four and ten. Women with these body sizes have meat on their bones. They actually have tits. Real ones!  They have curves and asses. Their bodies are usually fit and toned, not sickly and bony, or fat and jiggly.

If you have very big nipples, a hairy ass, areolas bigger than Frisbees, short hair, a potbelly, and foot-long coochie lips, millions of guys will still want to bang you. Sure, guys have their visual preferences, but their helmeted heroes are equal opportunity employers. All tits, all asses, all coochies are welcome. And lots of guys actually prefer appearances that veer from mainstream tastes. Just as tons of guys are fatty lovers, so too are there guys who prefer very big nipples, or Frisbee areolas, or hairy asses, or potbellies, and so on…