Although guys are mainly visual, they don’t completely ignore what their ears have to offer. Maybe they do often tune out when you ladies bore them with your work details. Maybe they do turn deaf when you ask them to wash the dishes or change a diaper. But they do have ears and they do actually like to occasionally use them. There are some sounds that please guys, some sounds that they want to hear over and over again.

Umm ummm. Ahh. Umm ahh um oh ahh ahh ahh ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ah, the sweet sounds of girl moaning in ecstasy. Guys do love to hear a girl moaning. But it’s not because they’re ecstatic knowing that she’s feeling pleasure. They’re not thinking, “I am so happy that she’s happy. She deserves to feel good after a hard day at the office.” Rather, what they’re really thinking is, “I’m such a stud. Listen to my girl moaning. I’m the best lay she’s ever had.” That’s right. Guys usually like to hear a girl moaning only because it boosts their egos. Don’t you just love them? Then again, you girls probably enjoy guys’ moans for the same reason.

Do you ever find yourself spitting out whimpers of discomfort after a hard thrust, after which your guy responds with a second hard thrust, then another? Only when your whimpers turn into shrieks, or when you sit up in pain does he halt his hammering and show concern. Many guys continue hard thrust action, despite your whimpers, because to a small extent, they take some enjoyment from your sounds of discomfort. When their dongs rise to attention and their testosterone levels explode, guys often become a little animalistic, a bit brutish, a tad sadomasochistic. For these warriors, your whimpers during sex act as pleasing reminders of their dominance at that moment, not that they need reminding. Throughout any bang session, most guys feel dominant; after all, their hard cocks are active weapons drilling into your passive coochies. Your whimpers simply confirm what they already feel, that they’re in charge, that your pleasure or pain are in their hands.

Whimpers during sex also please some guys because they indicate that maybe, just maybe, their dongs are a wee bit too large. Surely, their dongs must be too big if they’re causing you discomfort. Guys gotta love a sound that rewards them with that big of an ego boost.

The satisfaction that many guys reap from hearing your whimpers doesn’t mean that they’re evil ogres bent on tormenting you. Surging hormones during sex cloud their minds and incline them to believe that such meek whimpers result from thrusts that “hurt so good” as the song goes. Guys’ concern for your well-being becomes evident when your whimpers continue after two or three thrusts, or when your whimpers become blatant shrieks. During these moments, guys stop thrusting and express concern. You only need to worry if even your hollerings don’t halt your Don Juan.

Tell your guy that even your faintest whimpers mean to stop. If, however, you don’t mind your guy’s continued drilling during your occasional whimpers of discomfort, then bang on.

Guys love it when a vagina makes noise sometimes when a pee-pee thrusts in and out. You know what vaginal noises Garvey is talking about–SWISH, SWOOSH, SWISH, SWOOSH. First, slick noises from a vagina turn them on because they’re just plain erotic. They complete the sensual experience for guys. Not only do guys get to see your vagina, feel your vagina, taste your vagina, smell your vagina, but they also get to hear your vagina. Thanks to pussy noises, all of their senses are in on the party.

Second, your pussy noises suggests a crucial fact. You’re lubricated, very lubricated. Coochies only sing when they’re extra wet. Barrels of wetness can only mean one thing in the mind of a man. He makes you extra horny. He and only he arouses you so much that you’ve got an ocean between your thighs.

The THUMP THUMP THUMP of a headboard pounding a wall, the SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK of a bed—a sonata could not sound better to a guy’s ears. Bed and headboard noise during sex is music to a guy’s ears for one reason: SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK, AND THUMP THUMP THUMP mean that he is banging you like a champ. His masochistic side (And just about all guys do have some sort of masochistic side to them. If they don’t, they’ve got way too much estrogen running through their veins.)  feels satisfied because he’s “tearing it up” during sex.  The more annoying the SQUEAK, the louder the THUMP, the more he knows that he’s banging his woman like a man should, not with the gentleness of an accountant, but with the power of a lumberjack, with the ferocity of a warrior.

As you already know, Girls, guys don’t make for the best of listeners. Sorry, but guys really don’t want to hear about your day. They don’t want to hear about supervisor Sheryl’s temper tantrums, or secretary Sandy’s crummy work ethic. They have no interest in the new halter-top you bought on sale at Macy’s, and the last thing they want to hear is nagging. Want to know what most guys do want to hear from your lips?  Simple. Two words. “Fuck me.”  There’s just something about the words “Fuck me” that instantly turn a guy’s Willie into a William. To guys, “Fuck me” is another expression for, “No worries.”  No worrying about foreplay. No worrying about long, passionate kisses. No worrying about pillow talk. And it’s not just “Fuck me” that puts guys’ minds at ease. Each time you talk dirty is an invitation to no-holds-barred fucking. But if you talk dirty, then talk dirty correctly. Guys don’t want to hear the words “lick my vagina” rolling from your tongue. And asking a guy to nibble on your “boobies” is a sure way to shrink his Peter. Guys like to hear good dirty talk like “Eat my pussy” and “Suck my tits.”  They want you to talk dirty by saying things like “I’m gonna suck your cock dry.”  The right kind of dirty talk informs a guy that he’s going to get exactly what he wants—-good ol’ fashioned, wild and sloppy fucking. Sure, there are plenty of occasions when guys just want to make sweet love to you. But usually they just want to fuck, and what better way to invite them to a fuck, what better way to liven up a fucking session than to talk dirty using the right language. That means words like pussy, cock, dick, eat, suck, tits, ass, cum, screw, cunt, eat, and of course, fuck!

Girls, think twice before using dirty talk during the first month or two of a relationship, unless you actually want to lose your guy. Using dirty talk too soon in a relationship sends up a red flag for “slut.”  If a guy hears “eat my cunt” from a girl he’s been dating for two weeks, he’ll enjoy her potty mouth; he’ll enjoy her cunt even more; then, two or three months later, he’ll dump her and look for someone with greater wife potential. So save the “fuck mes” for later on in a relationship after you’ve already got your guy whipped. Another thing, even if you and your guy have been seriously committed for years, even if you’ve got him whipped like a castrated circus lion, don’t turn dirty talk into a bedroom staple. Dirty talk now and then—-oh, yeah!  Dirty talk often—-depends on the couple, but that too can be a riot. Dirty talk every session—-don’t expect an engagement ring anytime soon. Excessive dirty talk, even from a long-term girlfriend, sends up those slut flags again. During sex, guys see keepers as those girls who whisper, “I love you” just as often if not more frequently than, “Fuck me.”  Keepers don’t turn every sex session into a fuck session. That’s guy territory. Keepers maintain a good balance of wanting to fuck and wanting to make love. They appreciate that there’s a time and place for “fuck mes” and “eat mes,” but they know that nothing can ever compare with the words “love me.”