Guys respect their hands. Day after day, their five headed amigos perform an invaluable service, without complaint, with no hesitation. But as in all sexual relationships, things can become a little dull as the years go by. Stroking becomes monotonous. The novelty fades. It’s inevitable that Mr. Guy and Mr. Hand eventually want to spice up their relationship. That’s where jack-off aids come in.

When guys masturbate with lotion, they turn a turn a no-frills masturbation experience into a hot and heavy self-shag. Dry stroking is sufficient, but where’s the realism?  Coochies aren’t dry. They’re soft and slippery and wet. Dry stroking just doesn’t cut it. Plus, dry stroking means chafing. Guys play rough with their peckers. They yank and tug and pull. A good dry stroking can chafe pecker skin right off. If a guy’s never provoked a chafe or two, he’s not a man. But a dab of Jergens Ultra Healing—no more chafing. When guys jack-off with lotion, their peckers do look just a wee bit nicer, a tad bit younger. More importantly, when guys masturbate with lotion, it provides a realism that a dry stroking can never duplicate. A little lotion, a firm grip, and a guy’s got his own makeshift coochie.

Why wouldn’t a guy like masturbating into a sock. After all, guys hate cleaning. Any girl with brothers and a father knows that guys are lazy bastards. Guys especially do not appreciate having to clean up moments after shooting a load. After jacking-off, they just want to sleep, or better yet, kickback, down a couple of beers, and catch the Lakers game. Masturbating into a sock brings peace of mind to a lazy bastard. Before a guy begins shooting a load, he just has to slip on that wooly condom, spurt away, toss the sock on the floor, and return to his beloved SportsCenter. No hand washing. No slimy jizz seeping into his belly button. No worries.

Ladies, you’re not the only ones who masturbate with a shower head. There are plenty of guys who have tried to masturbate with a shower head. A turbo stream aimed at the head of a wiener brings a welcome change to guy’s usual stroke fests. Just as they do for you ladies, a shower head allow guys to reap pleasure without using their hands. They can momentarily forget that they’re banging themselves. When they masturbate with a shower head, all they have to do is close their eyes, imagine they’re getting blown by the Olsen twins and let the H2O work its magic.

Ladies, they’ll will never admit it, but some guys aren’t satisfied to just stick a finger up your asses. Many guys have tried to stick a finger up their own asses as well. Yes, a ton of guys have tried to stick a finger up the ass while jerking their junk. Such news shouldn’t be surprising. Guys have been hearing for years how prostate massage causes explosive orgasms, how the anus teems with thousands of nerve endings just waiting to be pleasured. They can’t ignore these facts. That would be irresponsible. Their testosterone-rich blood demands that they do anything and everything at least once. Among other things, that means attempting to occasionally finger themselves. And who said guys have to limit themselves to just their fingers?  Next time you’re surrounded by a bunch of guys, remember this–at least a couple of them have done more than just stick a finger up their exhaust pipes.  Pens are likely candidates. Brush handles are a good fit for the more adventurous fellas.

You remember “the scene” in American Pie, right?  Jason Biggs, his pants down to his ankles, thrusts his dong into the heart of a cherry pie. Garvey bets that Betty Crocker sales rose in the weeks following Pie’s debut. Do guys masturbate with pies or other food? Of course they do. Well, at lease some do. Single guys are ever on a quest to find the ultimate substitute for pussy. So you better believe there are some guys out there who have inseminated pies with an all-new creamy filling. But these characters just don’t masturbate with pies. Fruits are fun too. It’s true. There are guys who masturbate with fruit. Fruits such as watermelons and cantaloupes offer a handful of horn dogs a lot more than just vitamin C. In order to mastubate with fruit, a guy just has to take a melon, drill a deep hole with a kitchen knife, and presto: he’s got a fruity coochie. Look ma, no hands!  Don’t be so surprised, ladies. We know all about you and them cucumbers.

Women often caress themselves, especially their breasts, while masturbating. At least that’s what guys like to think. But guys aren’t so enthusiastic about caressing their chests or any other parts of their bodies while masturbating. Caressing their love pumps brings more than enough stimulation. Why bring the left hand into the mix if the right hand already knows how to party. Nevertheless, guys do caress themselves while masturbating at least occasionally. Pretending it’s the hand of their girlfriends (wink), they enhance their jerk-off sessions by caressing their chests, their thighs, their balls, even their poop chutes. You won’t hear many guys boasting about it though. Caressing themselves while masturbating makes them feel a little girly; although give them a few whiskey shots and they might come clean about their jerk-off shenanigans.

Some guys have tried it. Just about every guy has at least thought about it. What exactly is it?  Care to hazard a guess?  No clue?  Hold on to your seats, ladies. Ready?  Self-fellatio. Yep, you heard correctly. Self-fellatio. Some guys suck their own penis. In fact, millions of guys have at least entertained the idea of sucking their own dick, and some have given it a go. Or at least they’ve tried to. More on that later. So why do some guys try to suck their own penis? Well, there are a few reasons.

Some guys consider self-slurping because they’re curious about how it feels to suck a dick. It’s not necessarily a matter of being gay. It’s a matter of being horny. Guys have at least ten times more testosterone running through their veins than girls do. They’re horny bastards. Sick, perverse thoughts invade their minds every minute. And that’s when they’re not horny. When they are horny, their nasty thoughts increase; their inhibitions decrease, and anything goes…even if that means trying to suck their own dicks.

If you’ve read enough of Garvey, you know that single guys are on a constant quest to find the ultimate pussy substitute.  That quest is a second reason why some guys try to suck their own dick. Watermelons offer wetness, but the texture is all wrong. Apple pies lack firmness. Sex dolls are expensive and buying them is monumental blow to the ego. But guys’ own mouths…

There’s a problem however, a simple obstacle that will forever inhibit self-sucking from catching on among the fellas. It’s a bitch to accomplish. It’s damn hard for guys to suck their own dick! In fact, unless a guy’s hung like a donkey or has the flexibility of Gumby, he ain’t getting his mouth anywhere near his pecker. Even those lucky guys who can reach their pelvic region ultimately find themselves disappointed, since they usually can just barely lick the tips of their dongs; or maybe they can awkwardly suck the top inch. Either way, it’s not exactly a blow to remember.